WHAT THE HOT 100 IS ACTUALLY SAYING

May 30, 2013
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…or rather, the top 10.

 

The thing about the Billboard music charts is that they’re updated ALL THE FREAKING TIME. Why? Because society is a restless place, my friend. Our moods change as fast as Taylor Swift changes boyfriends (low blow, sorry T-Swift).

But there’s also something really interesting about the top music charts. It seems as if the songs could ACTUALLY be saying something about our lives. LIKE IT’S A STORY AND WE’RE THE CHARACTERS OR SOMETHING.

So let’s take a look at the story this week’s top 10 is telling:

 

  1. “Can’t Hold Us” – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Ray Dalton

This is the moment, everyone. THIS IS IT. The story has started and tonight is the night. So we’re about to rage hard, cause you can bet that ceiling ain’t gonna be able to hold us. OUR HANDS ARE TOO FAR UP.

 

  2.  “Just Give Me a Reason” – P!nk feat. Nate Ruess

Oh snap, but here’s where the problems start. Our significant other’s been acting a lil funky lately, so now we need a reason – JUST A LITTLE BIT’S ENOUGH, YA KNOW – to give us peace of mind that our relationship, isn’t, in fact, going to hell. Just a little bit. Cause we wanna be able to learn to love again and all that.

 

        3.  “Mirrors” – JT 

JUST KIDDING, EVERYONE. EVERYTHING’S PEACHY, WE’RE MADLY IN LOVE. Who needs reasons to learn to love again? We certainly don’t, cause our significant other is a mirror and reflects everything that we are. WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY PERFECT.

     

      4.  “Get Lucky” – Daft Punk feat. Pharrell Williams

And now we’re gonna have sex. The end.

 

       5.  “Cruise” – Florida Georgia Line feat. Nelly

Annnnnd our significant other’s a song. So we’re gonna take things slow, roll dem windows down, and cruuuuuuuuise. It’s summer, yo.

     

   6.  “Come and Get It” – Selena Gomez

But now we’re gonna be little teases. Apparently we didn’t get lucky like Daft Punk was claiming we were, because we’re telling someone (hopefully that significant other, but Leo diCaprio would also be acceptable) to come and get it. You know what “it” means. But we’re being patient. It’s whenever they’re ready.

 

….

 

 

HURRY UP AND GET IT, DANG IT. WE’RE ACTUALLY NOT THAT PATIENT.

 

 

        7.  “I Love It” – Icona Pop feat. Charli XCX

Yeah, they didn’t come and get it so now we’re pissed. But whatever, we love it. We’re a 90s b*tch.

-crashes car into a bridge-

 

         8.  “Stay” – Rihanna feat. Mikky Ekko

Okeeeeeey, now our love life’s getting really effed up. We threw their stuff into a bag and pushed it down the stairs, but now we want them to stay. And we’re telling them that.

 

         9.  “Radioactive” – Imagine Dragons

Red flag, we’re nuclear decay now. This should be a little concerning, but apparently this is the new age. So. Welcome.

 

         10.  “When I Was Your Man” – Bruno Mars

This is really awkward if we’re not a man, but apparently things are not going hot in Love Life Lane. They decided not to stay (maybe because of the nuclear decay thing). We didn’t buy them flowers and we didn’t hold their hand. And no, we didn’t take them to every party (but apparently all they wanted to do was dance – WHICH IS LAME, ANYWAY). So now our baby’s dancing with another man and we’re really effing depressed. But at least we see the error of our ways.

 

So, yep. The story of our lives was really complicated and the ending was super tragic and actually not fun at all. But whatever. We’re flawless.

Oh, but one thing we’ve noticed is that artists really like featuring people these days. But not Selena Gomez. Def not Selena. (Let’s be real, if two people were singing “come and get it”, that’d be like inviting the listener to a threesome, which could get awkward real fast.

…Unless that threesome involved JT and Rihanna. Then that’d be okay.)

 

Here’s to next week, when the charts will maybebutprobablynot change and we’ll get a new story that doesn’t end so effing depressing.

 

-Shelley DeHekker

@shelleydehekker

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