Bieber on SNL

February 10, 2013
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Justin Bieber made his return to NBC’s Saturday Night Live for the first time in three years on February 9, 2013. Bieber, who has only acted a handful of times in his career, had a part in nearly every sketch and even performed two songs off of his most recent number one album, Believe Acoustic. 
The Biebs wasted no time in making you laugh, opening with a very entertaining monologue. With his opening line being “I had no idea there would be any girls here tonight”, Justin utilizes the national holidays of February, combining Black History Month and Valentine’s Day in a somewhat romantic search for his “one special girl”.
Reminiscent of The Bachelor, Justin, joined by rose-holder Kenan Thompson, scanned the audience full of girls, eyeing his first potential date, Sophie. He uses his low-toned voice an utters, “You’re sexy. You know you sexy. But did you also know that Phillis Wheatly was the first black woman to publish a book of poems? Mmm is that ever progress?!” Kenan pats him on the back and says “That’s real good JB, that’s real good!”
The romantic quest for Justin’s One Less Lonely Girl then switches to an impromptu Black History lesson. However, when Justin turns his attention to another girl, his facts starts to falter when he referred to Denzel Washington as “the inventor of the peanut”.  He switches to another girl and asks, “Did you know that black folks invented the Kwanzaa?” Kenan leans down to his ear and whispers, “That’s barely a fact JB. I think everybody just assumes that one.” Justin then breaks out into song singing “Well baby did you know that Maya Angelou invented the peanut?” He makes his way back to the stage, hinting that tonight he’s looking for Mrs. Biebs and that they are “Gonna celebrate it [Valentine’s Day] right. It isn’t every year that Black History Month and Valentine’s Day fall into the same month.” 
 With a bouquet of roses in hand, he finally finds his special girl, who is revealed to be Ms. Whoopi Goldberg! Joined by Whoopi onstage, Justin serenades her with the chorus of One Less Lonely Girl, and she kisses him on the cheek and wishes him a Happy Black History Month.
The first sketch we see Justin in is The Californians, a dramatic soap opera filled with horrendous accents and plot twists at every angle. The setting is an upscale California condo, with the leading couple arguing about the girlfriend being a potential cheater. When the maid finds him sleeping in the gazebo, Justin’s character is revealed to be a rebellious, runaway skater boy. Justin botches his lines, but it goes completely unnoticed behind his accent and completely outrageous wardrobe choice. When Mr. Stewart asks him what he’s doing there, Justin replies with “I don’t know. My dumb parents like-nobody understands me, bro!” He further explains his escape from his parents’ home and how he ended up asleep in Mr. Stewart’s gazebo. When confronted with the option of being sent home, the suspense music rises and the camera pans to a face shot of every character in the scene.  The scene concludes when the suspense music rises and every character is shown gazing into the same mirror.
Justin uses the next sketch to point out some remarks that his haters have dished out throughout his career. Justin is being shown playing himself, joined by a security guard who informs him about the new safety procedures that have just been enacted. When Justin asks for more information, the security guard tells him that a highly trained group of body doubles has been hired. When Justin Bieber meets his Justin Biebers, he’s instantly dumbfounded. Justin points out, “They look nothing like me. I mean half of them are girls” to which the security acknowledges them as his A-Team. “I mean some of them are black. They’re not fooling anybody.” His security guards replies with, “Yeah well neither are you, homie.”
Whether it was he reliance on dance moves or his high-pitched voice from his pre-puberty years, if a Bieber hater said it, it was in this sketch. Justin lashed back at all of his haters with a short rendition of U Smile to point out the depth of his voice and even had a dance battle with a body double to show that he can hold his own against any dance foe. When asked if he thought if ANY clone looked like him, he pointed to the back of the group and said, “I think that one does.” The clone he chooses turns out to be Ellen Degeneres, who is being portrayed by Kate McKinnon. This sketch ends with Justin jumping in the arms of his security guard and fleeing out into the screams of his fans.
The next sketch is a commercial for future shows being shown on the Bravo network. Based off of spin-off shows such as Vanderpump Rules, the commercial features various parody shows such as “The Moroccans of Mulholland Drive” and “Somewhere Chauffeur The Rainbow”. Justin’s show that he will be starring in is called “The Shitheads of Salzburg”. The one-minute show being advertised shows Justin wearing ridiculously short jean over-alls with no undershirt. The camera briefly shows Justin as he crotch chops the camera before it pans to a bar shot of the Austrian trio refers to their “small penises”. Point being: everyone in the world needs to watch Bravo.
In his first musical performance of the night, Justin is joined on stage by his guitarist Dan Kanter for an acoustic performance of As Long As You Love Me. The dimly lit stage is brightened by Justin’s vocals as he tears into his opening verse of one of his many number one songs from his Believe album. Justin steals several glances at the camera throughout his performance. Justin never leaves his stool during his performance, his vocals taking up all of the room onstage. Even his rapping of the bridge leaves the audience quiet and his grip tightens on the microphone. The song concludes with a thunderous applause.
Justin’s next sketch is a fifties Grease themed, with the characters Angie and Billy discussing their first date details amongst their separate groups of friends. Justin’s character talks about the night being very “eventful” while Angie tells her friends the details of what actually happened. Billy tells his friends, “Once I got my moves going, she was like putty in my hands.” He even indulges how he did the gentlemanly deed of opening the car door for her. However, Angie tells her friends that Billy actually struggled with the door, pushing the door closed instead of pulling it opened. Billy goes as far as to say he snuck a peak down her blouse, but was disappointed when he didn’t see any puppies (the puppies in question being real baby dogs instead of the slang term for breasts). He then tells his friends how far he went with her while Angie told her friends the distance was based off of her the actual car ride with him. Despite all of the rather adult hints being insinuated about the date, Billy was revealed to be younger than what he appeared to be, replicating how the media depicts Justin in real life in his relationship with an older Selena Gomez.
When we come back from commercial break, The Miley Cyrus Show has begun. Justin’s character is introduced as Pete DeFalco, president of the Miley Cyrus Fan Club.  Justin refers to Miley as being his favorite singer EVER, being “light years better than that douche Justin Bieber.” Pete DeFalco is your general Bieber hater, becoming surprised that Miley is actually friends with Justin, claiming, “He looks like a lesbian.” The best sentence by far that Justin (the real one) says behind his character is that, “I also heard he got busted for smoking weed and that he’s really sorry about it and everybody makes mistakes and that he’s never gonna do it again!” Take that TMZ. Pete then goes back to professing his love to Miley, asking four questions in one breath and squeezing in an “I love you” at the end, just for good measure. When asked if he would like to see a clip of Miley and Liam’s secret wedding (that she can neither confirm or deny), Pete starts fangirling! The Miley Cyrus Show with Miley singing the outro, and Pete viciously pointing to her, acknowledging her existence.
In perhaps the most hilarious sketch of the night, we come back from commercial with Justin’s character, with a southern accent (immediately us WKTDJ writers thought of our Chief Editor, Kellie and her southern accent) being brought home to his girlfriend’s house to meet her parents. The southern couple describes their first encounter at breakfast when Michael, Justin’s character, and Heather reach for the same cheese omelet in their school’s cafeteria. When Heather’s brother Eddie comes downstairs to meet Michael, Michael stands and says, “It’s Gl-ice to meet you.” Eddie responds with, ‘Glice? What the heck is ‘Glice’?” Michael then explains that he was trying to say “glad”, but then he said “nice” and that the words just sort of fused together. Eddie pulls Michael back down onto the couch and reveals that he was just messing with him, continuously pointing out the “Glice” term. The torment for Michael continues when Eddie asks him to try out for the “Glice hockey” team at his school. When Michael is asked about his medical school plans, Eddie chimes in with, “Do you know where they need a hospital? GLICELAND! Cos y’know Iceland?! Cos he said Glice! Remember!”
Justin finally breaks character, because he cannot contain his laughter, obvious grins and subtle laughter being shown. But he somehow manages to hold it together.  Eddie is yelling at this point, asking his mom, “Do you remember when I had to miss third grade? Because I had such bad hair glice? Oh wait! That was LICE! Because that’s a WORD! ” Justin’s laughter makes him break character once again, but who could really blame him? This is hilarious! The scene concludes with Eddie being jealous of Michael’s body structure, Eddie saying things like “He’s so toned!” or “I am the arms of a bat!” The camera pans outside of the home ending the scene, letting Justin go laugh offstage during the commercial break.
In a commercial of his own, Justin stars in the sexiest sketch of the night, which is rightfully called “A Sexy Valentine’s Day Message From Justin Bieber”.  The skit starts with Justin taking his sunglasses off, revealing that he is lying on a heart shaped bed. He goes through his checklist for the evening: Champaign and roses? Check. He’s shown cuddling a white pillow, winking seductively, even blowing a kiss or two towards the camera. “Look what we have here,” he says, “sexy dice. Fondle butt. Rules are rules.” Winks toward the camera hints towards his sexy time with his special lady, whomever she may be, and Taco, a rather large toddler. Still in his seductive, low-toned voice, Justin talks about Taco, saying that he’s crazy. Taco was supposedly going to stay at Justin’s place for one night. But three months later, he had to get used to Taco. Justin goes to describe his love for fancy chocolates, opens the lid, and there are no chocolates. Taco has eaten them all! The camera then shows Justin opening his pants and taking a picture of whatever lies beneath the elastic strap of his boxers. And with a wink to the camera he says, “Check your email, Hilary Clinton.” Justin further describes that his night will consist of him, his girl, and passion. And a bird is shown flying into the window! “What the f-beep-k! Was that a bird?” And the scene concludes with Taco bringing out his toilet and Justin uttering a final, “Stay sexy, girl.”
In his last musical performance of the night, Justin sings one of his newest songs from Believe Acoustic, Nothing Like Us. With Dan Kanter on piano, two spotlights shine brightly on Justin as his microphone descends from the rafters. The emotion is felt in Justin’s voice, and he somehow manages to dive into the first verse without choking up. Subtle dance moves accompany his vocals, leaving the majority of his performances focused on those two white fibers that sit in Justin’s neck. However, at one point does Justin toss his microphone to the side, spin around and catch the returning microphone in what can only be described as awe-inspiring. The performance concludes with the microphone rising back up to the rafters, Dan on the piano, and the applause of an emotional audience.
In his final skit of the night, Justin is accompanied by his girlfriend, both dressed as nerds. And the message that they are trying to bring across is simple: Abstinence. Carrying a terrible lisp, Justin explains that, “Just because you stay abstinent, that doesn’t mean that you can’t have fun.” He describes his date last week, where he and his girlfriend held hands and stared into each other’s eyes. He’s closing statement to his opening speech is a simple: “Don’t do that thing until you get that ring.” He next speech acknowledges the haters of abstinence saying that, “There is nothing wrong with being abstinent. Me and my girlfriend can be very intimate without having to go all the way there.” In what can be described as the greatest slogan in all of abstinence, Justin utters a final “Remember fellas, don’t go pokin’ until ‘I Do’ is spoken.” The sketch ends with a teacher explaining that, “If you have sex, you WILL explode!” So don’t have sex. Ever.
We come back from a final commercial break and Justin stands center stage with his cast mates behind him. He thanks Whoopi Goldberg and the rest of the SNL cast for letting him be apart of SNL and letting him host the show. The credits begin to roll, and the show ends with Justin and his cast congratulating each other on a job well done.
In case you have been hiding under a rock for the last month or so, it is no secret that Justin isn’t attending the 2013 Grammy Awards. Many feel that he was cheated out of many nominations, with his first Believe album and the recently released Believe Acoustic as ammunition. Justin’s not usually one for revenge, but on February 9, 2013 he tweeted: “I’m gonna do an hour live video stream tommorow at 8 est I’m gonna play some new music and answer questions send this to ur friend :)”

In his first live stream in three years, you can definitely expect the majority of his 34.2 Million twitter followers to be attending. Oh, and did I mention that The Grammy Awards conveniently start at 8 pm est as well? Take that Grammy’s!

-Blake M.

@BMoore1294

 

Feature image credit to Asia G. /@AsiaGousse

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